You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
