Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
