She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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