I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are we still banned from the library?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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