i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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