He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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