It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
