Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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