His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize