also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
