I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize