he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I could make wine with my vomit
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
