I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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