We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
