so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
