2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
