omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize