i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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