Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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