Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
