Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
