mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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