It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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