So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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