**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize