well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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