I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
