Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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