Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
