my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
