i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
