it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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