Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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