My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
