I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
