Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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