i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
