I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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