I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
COCAINE IS GR8
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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