White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
