while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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