I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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