the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
