we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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