mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
