Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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