I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
