That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
