Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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