lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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