what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
