I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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