Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
