Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
