I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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