just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
