Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
