so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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