my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
